Sometimes I wake up in the morning with this unexplainable desire to just go to church. Any church (except THAT one). Today was one of those days. With the time change, we woke up early, and we were able to get going, on time, without stress. I wish I could say the same about the rest of the day but....baby steps. So, we went to a church that we have been attending on and off for the past 2 years. I have been having a love/hate relationship with this church since we started going after we left the OTHER church. I am used to being NEEDED in church, and with this place, I fell totally at home but totally lost and NOT needed. They are set up. They are organized, sometimes a little too much, but maybe that’s because I am just used to mess and the thought that the evidence of the Holy Spirit is when church is a disorganized mess because “the spirit disrupted it”.And it’s not love/hate because of them, it’s just me fighting my inner thought and expectations. They have amazing vocals and musicians, and pastors, and tons of volunteers. They have money, they have proof and fruits of their giving and work in the community. They are a fully functional church. And I am lost when I go there. But I close my eyes and that is exactly the church I see in my mind. That is how church should be! But how do I fit in? I dont se myself running around there like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to get from worship to the translating room, or just doing ALL of the things, like I’m used to. Because I am not NEEDED there.
      I have asked God to help us find a church that would allow us to just be. A church where we are not hounded and bombarded to give all the money, give all the time, give all the things! EVERYDAY! ALL DAY! FOREVER! I asked God for us to find a church where weren’t needed, but where we were WANTED. When you need something, it’s out of a necessity that you have no choice or control over. I have always been in a “needed” situation. They needed a Power point person, I filled that. Needed someone to watch the kids, I filled that. Needed someone to translate, I filled that. Needed someone to talk to, i filled that. They needed someone to worship, I filled that. Needed someone to organize the church event, I did that. Needed someone to talk to about how horrible the congregation is, I was that person. Needed someone to use as a special project so you could feel useful, I became that special project. Needed someone to make them feel accomplished, I filled that. I allowed myself to believe a lie that you go and do what is NEEDED and that doesn’t always translate to doing what you WANT. Your calling gets mixed up in so many different things that you start losing site of what it is that you love and want to do. I allowed myself to be made to feel like I had no option, because the work of the Lord needed to be done, and you just need to do what needs to be done. Sacrificing time with your husband? Well, you can’t love your husband more than the Lord. Sacrificing time with your kids to take care of other peoples’ kids? Well, God will take care of yours. Sacrificing time with family? Leave it all at God’s feet because you are doing the good work and God will reward you. Marriage falling apart? You can’t tell anyone because you’re ministering to others and you can’t minister with a broken home. I got what I asked for and now I have no idea how to get to that place of being wanted in this new church because everyone is already doing everything. But, that’s not their fault. It’s mine.
     This morning was the start of a new series, “As It Is In Heaven” and the title of the preaching was “Exposing Delilah.” Pastor talked about Samson and how he had broken 2 of the 3 covenant packs that he needed to follow due to his calling. He drank wine and he touched a dead thing, all that was missing was him cutting his hair. He was one step away from completely losing God’s calling and anointing over his life. Delilah signified the culture that he lived in, our culture of today where everything that makes you feel good IS good. And this is totally anti-Biblical. I don’t live and do what feels good, but i do feel like i am one step away from losing God’s calling and anointing over my life. I live a life that is all about my children and cleaning my home, and I guess deep down, this might be due to lingering guilt of not being able to enjoy my home and child due to all that I sacrificed for “ God’s work” for the other church. As a wife and a mother, my first ministry is my home and this is what I tell myself I have been focusing on. But i know this isn’t the total truth. I have just been running away from my commitment to Christ, and slowly breaking my covenant with Him, and using my disappointment in man as the excuse. I have let my flesh take over more than I care to admit. My general dislike of people is the prevalent emotion that I constantly feel. I am NOT focusing 100% on my kids or my husband or my home. I am addicted to online shopping and eating. I have no self-control. I dont’t feel complete until I spend money on SOMETHING and buying necessities doesn’t count. I curse like a trucker and I dont live a life that is outwardly reflecting any type of relationship with God. I don’t have money saved, at all, even though I have tons of Pinterest boards telling me I have a million dollars. I have lied to myself for over 2 years, believing the lie that i dont need church to have a relationship with God, I am the church. And this is still true, but I dont have any type of discipline to keep up with human relations, what kind of dedication do you think I have maintaining a relationship with God, that i do not see everyday?
     But still, I have mornings like this one. Where God calls me, like a Siren calling out to the sailors at sea, and I can’t turn it off. I felt God call me this morning. He spoke to me so directly through this message, that I am so close to being too far away. Not because He wont come meet me where I am, but because my flesh is winning and i will not be able to recognize His voice. And I do not want a life where I dont recognize the voice of my Father. He has given me too much, done too much for me to keep making up excuses. I know I am not doing what I am meant to do, and I have been filling my need to serve with other things. I pretend to diet, I joined the PTA, I am trying so pathetically to be a PTA mom and be bffs with the PTA president, trying to keep putting myself in a position of being needed, and it’s the most pathetic thing. It’s like i am totally jealous because I have not accomplished anything I set out to accomplish. It’s almost like the only way I can function is if I am in this abusive, draining relationship, in a position of being needed, but NOT wanted. What am I doing? Why does the acceptance of this girl mean so much to me? Why do I feel like such a failure? I have done so much for God, for “church”but i have NOTHING to show for my life. I feel like I spent so many years working for others, hoping God will “take care of me and mine” and now I have nothing to show for all of my years. And the truth is, I did very little because God told me to, and instead did it because man needed me to. Like a hamster on a wheel, running a million miles an hour, but going absolutely nowhere.
     I have worked too hard and Jesus sacrificed too much for me to have my child NOT want to go to church. I dont want my children to grow up in a home where church it not a common thing, where a relationship with Christ is an after thought, or a simple bed time prayer. I want my children to experience God like i did, to experience His anointing like I did. I want that to be their essence, I want that to be their normal. But, I need to make that normal to me again, first. I need to be more careful of what I let into my home, of what is occupying my time and my mind. See, I know all of these things. But it’s so easy to just NOT. So, for now i need to make a commitment and get the husband on board. God needs to disrupt my calendar. Sundays need to be for the Lord, not for the church, but for the LORD. And we will see what grows from that.